Politics

Obama Presents bin Laden’s Heart to GW Bush

TEXAS — During a private ceremony held early Tuesday morning in Crawford, Texas, President Obama presented the heart of al-Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, to former president George W. Bush. As news has spread of the event, the act has puzzled many. Other commentators and political pundits say Obama’s offering of Osama’s heart to the former head of the GOP is a peace offering and will bridge the gap between the Democrats and Republicans.

“I thought he should have it,” president Obama said about Bush Tuesday morning, “because it was his war, and America was attacked under his watch, I think the former president appreciates the closure.” Head of JSOC, the crew who took out Osama bin Laden, is William McRaven. McRaven presented Obama with Osama’s heart as a gift to the commander-in-chief. “I was surprised,” Obama said of McRaven’s gift, “but I knew right away who deserved it more than I did.”

Only two White House reporters were allowed at the ceremony, where former president Bush, with his wife Laura, accepted the heart from the president and three of his top aides. “It’s a good day for America,” former president Bush said. He clutched the sealed glass jar that encased bin Laden’s heart and gave a heartfelt thanks to president Obama.

“We captured the main evildoer,” Bush said with a large smile on his face, “and this smile couldn’t get any bigger. We got him. We got the Osama bin Laden.” One of the reporters later said it sounded like Bush said ”¹…”Obama bin Laden’, but he was sure that was an unconscious slip of the tongue by the former president.

Bush shook hands with Obama and his aids for a quick photo op, and the former president nearly fumbled the enshrined heart. Red in the face for a minute, realizing he’d almost dropped Osama’s heart, he said, “Well, he probably deserves to be dropped, he was a bad dude.” Bush then set the glass case by his feet for the rest of the ceremony.

“I’m glad you buried him at sea, but I’m happier you saved America a memento. This isn’t just for me, this is for every American. We must never forget. We, Laura and me, we’re going to keep this special piece at home, we got a good place for it, next to the fetus.” Bush winked at the reporters.

Osama’s heart was encased in a hermetically sealed glass case filled with formaldehyde. The former president later clarified he would be keeping bin Laden’s heart on the mantel next to the famous fetus in a jar. Last November, when Bush’s Decision Points was released, the story got out about his mother Barbara’s miscarriage and how she saved the remains in a jar of formaldehyde. Later, Barbara Bush declared that she didn’t stuff that fetus in a jar, the housekeeper did! (read it here)

Nodding to Osama’s heart in a jar, Bush said, “He might be free and floating out there in the sea, but we got his soul right here, locked up, and I’ll be giving him an evil look every morning.”

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One thought on “Obama Presents bin Laden’s Heart to GW Bush

  1. Pingback: BUSTED: George Bush Jr, an Intelligent Chimp, & the Secret Plot to Artificially Inseminate | Associated Pulp

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