PAKISTAN — Twenty-four dead Pakistani troops magically returned to life Saturday after U.S. Gen John Allen apologized “to the families and loved ones of any member of the Pakistani security forces who may have been killed or injured.”
The soldiers were cut down by a NATO helicopter attack, which would have been one of the deadliest attacks for Pakistani security forces by the U.S.-led coalition, had the apology not brought back to life the dead service members.
An anonymous source close to Allen admitted he didn’t think the General’s apology would actually mean anything. “Nobody could have predicted this, but I guess that’s the best possible scenario. I wouldn’t be surprised if we started apologizing more often for civilian and friendly-fire casualties,” he told reporters. “But then, on the other hand,” he mentioned, “apologizing makes the U.S. look weak, so it’s not always worth it.”
The bloody incident, which was being investigated, has now been closed. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton also weighed in on the miraculous event. “This could have been really bad for the United States’ rapport with Pakistan and the world, had Gen Allen not apologized. I want to apologize to the families of the dead, or once dead, Pakistani soldiers. The U.S. and NATO never actually means to kill any innocent people.”
Sec of Defense Leon Panetta mentioned the tragedy-turned-miracle by saying, “We’re all a little more sensitive around the holidays, so I’m glad everything turned out all right so we don’t have to think about it over our holiday seaon.”
Gen Allen went on to say, “I apologized real hard, and we closed this matter without further incident. I’m glad, too, because this could have started a war with one of our battered allies.”
Before its soldiers were resurrected by the General’s apology, Pakistan had closed its border crossings to NATO in retaliation for an “unprovoked” and “gross violation of their country’s sovereignty.”
Currently, there is no word on how the resurrected soldiers have taken to being in the rare category of humans who have been brought back from the dead.