LOS ANGELES – We’ve all seen the video of that mysterious, dark purple creature spread across a rock. It’s blind, it has a distinguished flat head without eyes or a discernible mouth, and it has been called the Brazilian Penis Snake. Was your first thought, I want one?
After the death of Kim Kardashian’s beloved pet cat opened a gaping hole in her life, she is on a quest to find the perfect penis snake. A source close to the family said Kim loves how smooth it is, and she adores its “clotted purple” color. When she saw a picture of the creature, she ran her fingers over the raised ridge at the back of its head.
“She heard they were in South America,” the source said, “so she bought a delightful blue slicker that was in the range of $3000, in case she had to trek through the rain forest. She bought expert hiking boots, a flashlight, and a flare gun.” How she plans to capture it, nobody knows. Also, because the penis snake prefers moist, warm habitats, the question of how she’ll smuggle it back to the United States looms. Researchers say the snake is carnivorous.
Ms. Kardashian has decided to undertake the journey on her own. “It’s something she feels she has to do to fill the gaps in her life. She’s been rather unhappy and unlucky when it comes to marriage and serious boyfriends,” the source said. This was only amplified after the loss of her pet cat. “She’s awfully excited about capturing the perfect penis snake.”
Rumors are now swirling online that Kim’s current relationship with famed rapper Kanye West is not a fulfilling one.
The “penis snake” is not actually a snake, as Why Evolution Is True explains:
This newly rediscovered species is being touted as a “penis snake”, but it’s neither penis nor snake. It is in fact a caecilian… what is a caecilian? Before I did a bit of digging, I’d always thought they were simply legless salamanders, but that turns out to be untrue. True, like salamanders they are carnivorous amphibians and have species that are either fully aquatic or terrestrial (but bound to moist habitat).
Is the “penis caecilian” really the pet Kim Kardashian is looking for?