Politics

NRA Offers New Solution to Future Mass Shooters: ‘Fire A Few Rounds in the Air First & See If That Helps’

PLANET, ? – The National Rifle Association, in an effort to assuage nationwide protests that took place after the much-anticipated press conference Friday, and to appear sympathetic to the latest shooting at Newtown, Connecticut, offered a new solution to possible future mass shooters.

“As a people, we’ve got the guns and we’ve got the rage, and there is no likely legislation possible that could change that,” Wayne LaPierre, head of the National Rifle Association, said. He leveled his eyes at the camera.

“So I say if you find yourself armed with your pistols tucked beneath your waistband and a loaded assault rifle in your hands while you’re storming your way to a school, playground, theater, or a church, go ahead and blast a few shots into the air first to calm down.”

The head of the NRA’s voice shook slightly, yet his tone was that of a man speaking to millions of people who looked up to him and his organization. He spoke bluntly, flatly, yet with a quiet inspiration burning beneath. He held his head high, but his eyes had the dampened quality of a forest animal being hunted and chased, barraged at every side with no chance for sleep or physical nourishment.

“Go ahead,” he said, “and squeeze off a few meaningful rounds into the sky – might be two or a hundred. That may be all you need to cool down and avoid a very bad deed. Then you take your guns home and be thankful you didn’t do something crazy.”

LaPierre finished off by rhetorically asking if guns were not our friends? “Did we not pummel the redcoats with guns? Did we not slay the fascist beast abroad with guns? Did we not seek, and still seek, revenge on our enemies after the tragic attacks on 9/11 with guns?”

LaPierre invited people to call him crazy.

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