CREVE COEUR, MO — From the makers of Agent Orange, DDT, and Bt cotton, potatoes, and soybeans comes a new specialty product that will be sure to have people scrambling to get it. Unlike the other creations, the new product being created, tested, and perfected in Monsanto’s underground laboratories will elicit smiles from all people, young and old.
It’s being called ‘Always Soft Ice Cream’. There should be no confusion with sherbet, frozen yoghurt, sorbet, or gelato. This is what the company calls ‘traditional’ ice cream, and no matter how cold you keep your freezer, if Monsanto’s chemical engineers come through on the project, it will still be soft enough to easily scoop into a bowl.
Instead of having to purchase an anti-freeze ice cream scoop, lovers of the frozen treat won’t have to sweat it.
“I think it’s one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard,” said Rayna Gonzalez, who works as a cashier at her local grocery store. “I personally cannot wait to see this product on the shelves. Just to think the horrible days of setting out your ice cream bucket to let it thaw a bit before you can get a scoop from it are over.”
Monsanto is normally very secretive of their new products and patents, but in this case, they let a low-level intern, who is training to be a spokesman, give a few details. Someday, the intern admits, he’d like to be the White House’s Press Secretary.
“Basically we’re tweaking ice cream’s DNA, which is what makes it predisposed to being either very hard, or melted into a gooey puddle. By splicing in a DNA construct for easing the bonding molecules,” he said while puffing out his chest, “we’re able to allow the consumer to keep their freezers at the very chilled temperatures safety officials recommend are needed to keep products like meat good, longer, without sacrificing their ice cream.”
Beside not addressing the debate about whether or not ice cream even has DNA to manipulate, or whether there’s a desirable level of ‘soft’ that the majority of consumers prefer, the intern would not say more about what kind of gene was being used to create this softer version of regular ice cream. He mentioned it had been created in a lab.
Gonzalez, who admits she eats ice cream nearly every day while she watches TV after work, doesn’t want to wait for her frozen snack to thaw a little before she can eat it. “I’m so sick of chipping shards out of the bucket like I’m jabbing my spoon into a block of ice.”
When asked about whether or not genetically modified products are safe for consumption, Gonzalez said, “Hey, if it makes our lives easier, I’m for it.” When asked if she was comfortable with the company developing this new ice cream being the same company that helped create the deadly Agent Orange, which was heavily sprayed over Vietnam during the war and killed around 400,000 and caused 500,000 babies to be born with birth defects, she said, “Huh?”