Finance

Goldman Sachs CEO Does the Math, Realizes He Really Is An Asshole

The Asshole, on the right

The Asshole, on the right

In an open letter to the world, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says he read the complaints about him, did the math, and was surprised to find that he actually is an asshole. “After listening to the conspiracy theories, and then crunching the numbers, I now understand that I really am one of the corrupt 1 percent. In fact, I’m wealthier and more crooked than I thought.” The one percent referred to in the letter is a now popular term thanks to the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Blankfein went on to admit that he thought he’d just been working really hard, and that’s why he had so much money, but he couldn’t figure out why everybody hated him.

“The 99 percent said that me and Goldman were actually manipulating global food markets for our own personal gain, and then packaging toxic debt and shitty deals which we then bet against after we sold them to unsuspecting buyers and traders. We were actually crashing the economy and people in America were losing their homes while we profited from it and made shit tons of money,” Blankfein wrote in his letter. “It all sounded pretty awful, and it turns out it was all true.

“After doing the math, I now realize I’m extremely rich. I mean, I knew I had a lot of money before, but this is just ridiculous. I guess a guy goes around working hard all day with his nose in portfolios, and then he vacations in Tahiti, and then he goes on a weekend spiritual retreat at Big Sur to get back in touch with himself, and then he gets back to work manipulating markets, and all the while he doesn’t realize he’s filthy rich and corrupt. Well, I’ll try to do better.”

Blankfein signed the letter with his well-known, extravagant signature and sent it to major news networks for coverage.

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