After the rousing performance of “America the Beautiful” at the Super Bowl, the Sandy Hook Elementary children are being asked once again to sharpen their singing voices and go to work. This time, mega media executives are lusting after the job of directing the children, and if all goes well, there’ll be a new choral record by late summer featuring the traumatized elementary students.
While the details are slowly leaking onto the Internet, the information so far points to a bidding war between major record labels for the rights of the children’s first record.
“The executives at Warner Bros. Records decided the Sandy Hook kids had at least one album in them,” said an intern, who wished to remain anonymous due to the sensitive material being discussed. “Basically, our intent, or really the general intent, is to use the children as much as possible before America forgets the shooting tragedy that happened in Connecticut.”
When asked about the ethical implications that would undoubtedly be raised in light of the public knowing about top record labels fighting for the rights of the distressed children, the intern said, “It’s good for the kids, too. This will keep them busy, and keep their minds off the tragedy. I know the best thing to do during any catastrophe…” said the intern, who then paused to remind everybody that he and everybody else in the music industry lend their hearts and prayers to the families affected at the Newtown shooting.
“The best thing to do,” he continued, “is to turn horrific, terrifying events into an overall positive. We anticipates sales of this album to be phenomenal. We saw the outpouring of interest at the Super Bowl and know this album will be an instant best seller.”
Would there be any concerns about online pirating hurting the Sandy Hook choral record’s sales? “We are not anticipating much illegal downloading due to the guilt factor around this disaster. To be frank, this project is a positive all the way around. Which is why the bidding process is out of control right now.”
The intern said fifteen percent of the album’s sales would be offered to the school and the children’s families, but he refused to say what kinds of offers were on the table. It’s seven figures, he admitted, but he wouldn’t get any more detailed.
The music industry is not the only business turning an opportunistic eye toward the Newtown destruction. As if deflecting any possible bad feelings toward record labels, the intern pointed at another industry thankful for disasters.
“CNN and all the people there, we know, are very so very grateful for the shooting, for the boost in ratings during the massacre and the subsequent coverage. It was a blessed holiday season over there for many, particularly because of the surge in ratings,” he said of the languishing media giant. “But of course,” he quickly mentioned, “all their hearts go out to the victims. As usual.”