Soldiers Teach Guantanamo Bay Prisoners Tricks

Learn a few tricks, to help pass the time.

Learn a few tricks, to help pass the time.

As Guantanamo Bay’s soldiers, guards, and abused prisoners sink into deep depression, one aspect of the highly illegal black prison keeps everyone’s spirit afloat. The commanding officers at Gitmo have been teaching the Muslim prisoners how to do tricks.

“It’s highly amusing for all of us,” an anonymous U.S. commander said, “even the prisoners. We got them standing on their heads, and then crouching down low and sticking out their tongues, and then spinning in a tight circle. It’s a whole lot of fun, and we give them a treat when they accomplish a trick.”

But it’s not all good news. While President Obama was impressed with the tricks the Muslim prisoners were able to perform, and he even clapped his hands while watching a classified video of them doing various stunts, the training side of it has been grueling.

“Twenty to twenty-five hours a week,” the commander said, “which is about how long it takes some of these guys to learn a medium to high level trick. We have a taser, which sometimes speeds up the process, but not always. Sometimes they get scared and learn even slower. We still use the taser.”

The most effective tool in teaching the Muslim prisoners how to do tricks is not the taser, but the board with nails protruding from the end of it. “It’s a little painful, I’m sure,” said the commander, “but I know when it’s over, and these guys have learned a series of difficult tricks, and then received their treats, they feel like they’ve accomplished something.”

A medium level trick, as defined by the U.S. military guard handbook, involves three or more connected movements, and a high level stunt has five. “Some of them are very talented,” the commander said about the prisoners, “but some just don’t learn no matter how much prodding and poking you do.”

When asked about the nightmarish abuse scandal in 2004, which detailed how U.S. soldiers sexually harassed and tortured their prisoners, the commander said, “No, these tricks are fun. There’s no more abuse or torture going on. We’re all just trying to get along.”

The White House refused to answer Associated Pulp’s phone calls.


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