Politics / World

Teenage Detainees from Afghanistan Open White House’s Suspicious Mail

Typical load of mail for the "president's package openers".

Typical load of mail for the “president’s package openers”.

WASHINGTON – In a supposed move to assimilate teenage refugees from Afghanistan into American culture, the White House has forcefully employed them to do a specific task in Washington as a way to pay penance and work their way into society. The refugees, mostly teenage boys who had once been detained by U.S. forces in Afghanistan, have been dubbed “the president’s package openers.”

The controversial story broke to very little mainstream media attention, as the major networks have been focused primarily on the Benghazi embassy fiasco, the IRS scandal, and the Department of Justice’s wiretapping of select members of the Associated Press.

All of which is good for the White House, because the “president’s package openers” program was supposed to be secret, and is classified under ‘national security’. Nobody knows how long the program has existed, or how many teenagers are involved, or if it first began under President Bush Jr.

The boys work one at a time in an undisclosed building, in a fireproof room where they open questionable packages addressed to the president or his cabinet. It’s a room with walls that can withstand the effects of exploding dynamite and creeping agents of biological warfare. The young men are given rubber gloves and white safety nose masks. They must open all the packages fed to them from the outside by conveyor belt. They work eight-hour shifts.

It is probably not surprising to many Americans that the White House needs extra hands to help manage the thousands of pieces of mail it receives; everything from letters to bulky packages, every day. The president and his cabinet do not have enough time to open even a tiny percentage of the mail.

Have you ever asked who opens the mail? And what kinds of dangers are present when opening bulky packages addressed to the most loved and loathed address in America, or possibly the world?

“You might be pleased to know that 99.99 percent of mail we get at the White House does not contain anything dangerous or incendiary,” an aide from the official mailroom said, “but because we get so much, there is a significant amount of packages that do fall into the ‘threat’ category.”

When asked about the ACLU’s recent inquiry into the White House’s mailroom procedures, the aide said, “By God, what do they expect? The president of the United States to open the packages? Or members of his cabinet? Or his interns? Many of those folks have been Harvard or Yale educated. To think all that promise and education could be at risk by a dangerous package…” he trailed off.

Threats have been widely categorized. The teenage package openers have seen it all. Last year there was a nasty left-wing movement, led by a little known blogger, that had Americans defecating in their underpants and sending them to the president in protest of the NDAA bill. That was a toxic threat. Not like a bomb or poison, but still unpleasant. Government officials would never be expected to open such unsavory packages.

With all the advances in technology, there must be a simple, effective machine that can quickly and accurately scan packages for any explosive devices or harmful materials.

“Unfortunately, it’s never been that easy,” the aide said. “While our machines can detect metal items within packages, it is much harder to sniff out toxic and explosive materials.” He refused to talk specifically about the teenagers from Afghanistan.

White House spokesman Jay Carney said the children had been “real threats” against American troops in Afghanistan, and had been detained for over a year before being brought to the U.S. to serve “in a meaningful, humane way.” The teenagers don’t get paid, but in the long run, Carney said, they get a ticket to freedom. Which is priceless.

He also mentioned that the president’s package openers are, most times, not in danger. “It’s just that one package every now and again that slips through the cracks.”

So far, the White House admits they’ve lost two of the refugees. Carney refused to go into detail. “They gave their lives for the country,” he said, “and we’ll forever be grateful for that. It’s a dirty job, as they say, and somebody’s got to do it.” Carney said he’d met with a few of the teenagers and they were more than happy to have the job.

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2 thoughts on “Teenage Detainees from Afghanistan Open White House’s Suspicious Mail

  1. Pingback: Teenage Detainees from Afghanistan Open White House’s Suspicious Mail

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