White House Hires Counselor To Help Lawmakers Imagine What Unemployment Feels Like

WASHINGTON–An inside source at the White House announced Thursday evening that President Obama had ordered officials to hire “the best” creative counselor they could find so he could hold an emergency debt ceiling / budget meeting this weekend with top Democrats and Republicans, with the counselor in attendance. The creative counselor will assist top Washington … Continue reading →

Dark Indistinguishable Figure Said to be Lingering in Bush’s Hospital Room

HOUSTON – Former president George H.W. Bush has been hospitalized since November 23 with what is being called “a lingering cough.” While the 88-year-old Bush Sr. and his doctors remain hopeful for a full recovery, nurses say a dark, indistinguishable figure has been present in the hospital room throughout the past week. “Mr. Bush refuses … Continue reading →

Hillary Clinton’s Blood Clot Honored, Refusing to Leave

UNDISCLOSED ARTERY — Hillary Clinton’s blood clot is reportedly honored to have formed inside the body of the current United States Secretary of State, and will stubbornly “stay put” for as long as a bodily liquid which has clumped into a solid can. Despite the reprehensible thought of a blood clot reveling within the body … Continue reading →

President Obama Spotted In Two Places At Once

HAWAII / WASHINGTON – Is President Obama really in Washington? He was slated to arrive at the White House Wednesday evening, and according to his staff, he’s there and working hard on drafting a deal to avoid the fiscal cliff. His family, still in the Christmas spirit, is to remain in Hawaii. But sources have … Continue reading →

NRA Offers New Solution to Future Mass Shooters: ‘Fire A Few Rounds in the Air First & See If That Helps’

PLANET, ? – The National Rifle Association, in an effort to assuage nationwide protests that took place after the much-anticipated press conference Friday, and to appear sympathetic to the latest shooting at Newtown, Connecticut, offered a new solution to possible future mass shooters. “As a people, we’ve got the guns and we’ve got the rage, … Continue reading →

After Sandy Hook Shooting, White House Lays Out Who Is Eligible For Teary Press Conference

WASHINGTON – Are other countries jealous of President Obama’s heartfelt response to the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary? After a petition from Yemen gained prominence online, the White House was forced to lay out who qualified for a heartfelt press conference from the president, and who did not. After a few hours of deliberation by … Continue reading →

Journalists Mugged by Israeli Troops; IDF Dismayed, Unapologetic

HEBRON – Two Reuters journalists were stopped, humiliated, and assaulted by Israeli troops at a checkpoint in Hebron Friday, following the shooting of a Palestinian teenager. The journalists – Yousri al-Jamal and Mamoun Wazwaz, both Palestinian – were forced to vacate their vehicle and strip off their clothing.  The men’s flak jackets were clearly marked … Continue reading →

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Series Of Aneurysms

BURBANK – One horror seems to follow another this weekend, with seven reported deaths across America and two in Australia during or immediately following screenings of the first film installment of Peter Jackson’s new “The Hobbit” franchise. On Friday night, five incidents were reported in Michigan, California, New Mexico, Delaware, and Queensland, Australia.  The following … Continue reading →

Kim Kardashian Eyeing Infamous ‘Penis Snake’ After Pet Cat Dies

LOS ANGELES – We’ve all seen the video of that mysterious, dark purple creature spread across a rock. It’s blind, it has a distinguished flat head without eyes or a discernible mouth, and it has been called the Brazilian Penis Snake. Was your first thought, I want one? After the death of Kim Kardashian’s beloved pet cat … Continue reading →

White House Caught ‘Testing Product’ Before Cracking Down On Marijuana States

WASHINGTON – White House spokesman Jay Carney leveled with members of the press corps about the recent fiasco that had Republican John Boehner storming out of the White House. Boehner had arrived early for a private ‘fiscal cliff’ discussion with President Obama, but instead caught a powerful whiff that he later described as, “a bit … Continue reading →

‘This Bird Will Die’; Critics Unfairly Condemn Precocious Child Photographer

Bahmfauk, IA – Worshington Elementary School is in hot water today over the controversial front page of its latest school publication, the Patriot Post. The shocking photo of a wounded mourning dove helplessly in the path of a rumbling eighteen wheel semi-truck has caused a national sensation. The feature story, accompanied with photo and headline, … Continue reading →

New Israeli Settlement Converts Groves Into Garden

JERUSALEM — The international furor over expanding Israeli settlements in occupied Palestinian territory took a new turn with the proposed construction of an Olive Garden in the disputed zone. Ancillary to the 3,000 new homes being built in East Jerusalem, the restaurant will be positioned between the Zayem and Maaleh Adumim settlements. It will be a … Continue reading →

Old Charles Manson Interviews Rumored Source For Obama Climate Change Team

WASHINGTON — Although the Obama administration has been accused of sneakily leaking information to the press at opportune times, the information that seeped out of Washington today was anything but favorable for the beleaguered president. An anonymous intern has claimed the president and his Climate Change Committee (CCC) have been watching old Charles Manson interviews … Continue reading →

Donald Trump To Sell Fiscal Cliff Bungee Jump Tickets

NEW YORK – In a series of abrasive tweets, business mogul Donald Trump declared he’d scaled the steep mountain of national debt and bravely wiggled his toes over the edge. Now, he’s offering to install a bungee tower and sell tickets to Americans who want to experience headfirst the true nature of the beast the … Continue reading →