ASSOCIATED PULP LOS ANGELES — The public choking deaths of three prominent Los Angeles foodies has prompted an investigation into the trendy movement that celebrates all things edible. Experts and aficionados alike are scratching their heads and wondering if there’s a darker side to the foodie fanaticism that seems to promote at dangerous, even zealous …
ASSOCIATED PULP Hyde Park — A new type of desperation is turning the tables on the beleaguered, crime-ridden South Side of Chicago as reports show impoverished university students are lurking into the largely un-policed areas around Hyde Park to grab wallets and iPhones from unsuspecting folks in the poor neighborhoods notorious for their decades of gang …
ASSOCIATED PULP Authorities warned residents of Los Angeles County that many streets would be closed off due to President Barack Obama’s visit Monday night. The president is slated to stay for two days, and make stops along the Westside and Glendale, while surely snarling traffic in unpredictable, but significant ways. While the president’s route has …
ASSOCIATED PULP Kabul — An Afghanistan family injured in a wayward United States drone strike have just about run out of patience attempting to apply for much needed medical assistance through the Obamacare website, Healthcare.gov. While the site keeps crashing on them, as the family gathers round the local computer station in the library ten …
(republished at Dear Dirty America) ASSOCIATED PULP Upon returning to the United States after a year-long stint as a Fulbright Fellow in the Middle East, whizkid and all around nice guy, Nigel Cage, has been asked repeatedly what he learned studying overseas, to which he has, reportedly, only given one answer, “I didn’t realize it …
(republished at Dear Dirty America) The latest salacious Kim Kardashian bare butt tweets fueled further speculation Friday that the reality television star diva is not actually her real self but a nearly flawless clone that is virtually undetectable to the naked eye. The Twitterverse erupted in skepticism over the photo the most famous Kardashian released …
UNDERGROUND SOMEWHERE – Before long, Google’s new nerd glasses, which allow their wearers to always be connected online and undertaking one Internet task or another, will be worn by nearly everyone. For those who refuse, soon they will be the new versions of the no-Facebook-page folks, who are really just updated versions of the we-don’t-believe-in-having-a-TV …
BENTONVILLE, AR — Walmart executives have been thrust into the glaring limelight as one of their standard instruction manuals on how to handle store employees leaked online. The pamphlet breaks down Walmart workers into three categories: speaking tools, mute tools, and lifeless tools. The manual was written for Walmart’s executives in order that they understand the “complex dynamics and fluctuations …
Many savvy Internet sleuths thought the junior senator from Kentucky bore a basic resemblance to McDonald’s most famous mascot, Ronald McDonald, but after multiple allegations and a few prominent websites posting side-by-side comparison pictures, Rand Paul came clean. “It wasn’t the glory days back then,” he told reporters, “but I’ll say my gig as Ronald McDonald paid …
Jordan Nilsbud thought he stumbled upon a darn cool idea one morning when he was making his ritualistic cup of coffee. After weeks of tinkering, his idea was transformed into a physical product, thanks to Nilsbud’s advanced craftsmanship and his years of working as an engineer. Nilsbud’s next thought was also as seemingly innocent as …
NEW YORK – Standing before the GigaOM’s Structure:Data conference in New York, the Central Intelligece Agency’s chief technology officer inadvertently made a startling revelation: the CIA has stockpiled the largest collection of pornography in the free world. Rubbing elbows with a predominately male audience, Gus Hunt felt enough at ease to share some juicy generalizations …
With the sequester in place, a dead economy, millions of Americans out of work and without hope, and a self-destructive government, you almost had to know it was coming sooner than later. A way to get back at the most hated group of people in America—535 members of Congress—without any repercussions, other than a little …
When Fox News offered a contributor’s position to Herman Cain on Fox News Channel and Fox Business Network, they offered it on one condition: that Cain “thoroughly and demonstrably” change his appearance in some way. “We didn’t want the same Herman Cain countenance that so many American voters found repugnant and disgusting throughout the GOP …
CLEVELAND, OH – A shocked community remembers a man who could go into such an impressively deep meditation that he couldn’t be roused for many minutes, and sometimes for more than an hour. Larry Nister, the man who was consumed in a late night house fire, has been called the best ‘meditator’ in town, and …
In an open letter to the world, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says he read the complaints about him, did the math, and was surprised to find that he actually is an asshole. “After listening to the conspiracy theories, and then crunching the numbers, I now understand that I really am one of the corrupt 1 …
KABUL, Afghanistan — Nobody knows what her name is, but the black and brown spots covering her off-white coat was enough to make Pvt. Javon Deheard take pity on the frightened young mutt. But where did she come from, and is it OK if Deheard takes her home to America with him? Pvt. Deheard hasn’t …
CRAWFORD, TX – One of former president George W. Bush’s longtime butlers is presumably out of a job tonight, and a top secret plan to be carried out by a prominent animal DNA testing laboratory has been thrust into the light. The details are hazy and so unusual you might swear they’ve come out of …
CREVE COEUR, MO — From the makers of Agent Orange, DDT, and Bt cotton, potatoes, and soybeans comes a new specialty product that will be sure to have people scrambling to get it. Unlike the other creations, the new product being created, tested, and perfected in Monsanto’s underground laboratories will elicit smiles from all people, …
WASHINGTON – White House spokesman Jay Carney leveled with members of the press corps about the recent fiasco that had Republican John Boehner storming out of the White House. Boehner had arrived early for a private ‘fiscal cliff’ discussion with President Obama, but instead caught a powerful whiff that he later described as, “a bit …
JERUSALEM — The international furor over expanding Israeli settlements in occupied Palestinian territory took a new turn with the proposed construction of an Olive Garden in the disputed zone. Ancillary to the 3,000 new homes being built in East Jerusalem, the restaurant will be positioned between the Zayem and Maaleh Adumim settlements. It will be a …
WASHINGTON — Top military officials have leaked information about the newest weapon to be developed behind the Pentagon’s tightly closed doors. It’s a bomb. Less than one hundred and thirty pounds, the bomb is considered by some military officials as petite, and even cute. Hubert Humdinger, famous exiled cultural philosopher, was the man who broke the story. …
WASHINGTON — Senator John McCain slammed his fist on the wooden podium to pronounce his point that NATO must begin air strikes immediately in Afghanistan to drive out the brutal, hostile American military regime. Only minutes before he’d painfully limped into the United States Senate Armed Services Committee. The goiter on the side of his …
(republished at Dear Dirty America) “They wouldn’t lie to me, would they?” former president George Bush Jr asks his butler, Menlo, after the latter read aloud a recent news article about Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Seymour Hersh calling the entire story of the Osama bin Laden raid “one big lie.” Menlo often reads the news to Bush … Continue reading
(republished by Dear Dirty America) Amid catastrophic website problems, the battered president, still weary and worn from a two-week government shutdown battle with Congress, admitted his healthcare plan for Americans was not running as smoothly as possible. In fact, he admitted the Affordable Care Act rollout was a train wreck. The problems range from the … Continue reading
We’re pleased to announce our services here at Associated Pulp were recognized by the news and satire blog, Dear Dirty America, and we’ve been acquired by the site. We’re hopeful that our brand of humor and news stories will reach more folks over at DDA. You can expect the same from us, just on a … Continue reading
As President Obama embarked on his campaign-style Midwest tour to make clear his agenda on reinvigorating the struggling American economy, many citizens who tuned into the president’s speech were shocked at the size and scale of his initiative. The looming crises over the debt ceiling and the federal budget seemed to be large enough hurdles … Continue reading
Most people seem to think technology is developing faster than we could have ever expected, but few have witnessed such an unbelievably spectacular technological feat as the Trayvon Martin protesters did in Leimert Park on Tuesday evening. They certainly didn’t think they’d be seeing the president that night, but did they? The protesters held signs … Continue reading
It’s hardly been twenty-four hours since the controversial Trayvon Martin trial has wrapped up, but sources close to the defendant say George Zimmerman, encouraged by a ‘not guilty’ verdict, is ready to “get back out there” as night watchman. Apparently he’s in good spirits and “stoked beyond belief” about the not guilty verdict. He’d been … Continue reading
WASHINGTON – In a supposed move to assimilate teenage refugees from Afghanistan into American culture, the White House has forcefully employed them to do a specific task in Washington as a way to pay penance and work their way into society. The refugees, mostly teenage boys who had once been detained by U.S. forces in … Continue reading
Senator John McCain made headlines when he sneaked across Turkey’s border into Syria to meet with the leaders of the Free Syrian Army. The senator is the highest ranking official to meet with rebel fighters since the civil war broke out in Syria two years ago. While McCain’s meeting with the Free Syrian Army’s Supreme … Continue reading
BEVERLY HILLS – Why isn’t life fair? That’s the question many overweight Americans ask themselves each year as they chow down on scrumptious fatty foods and desserts, knowing the thousands of extra calorie-intake each day will not help avoid heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure—all effects of being overweight. Is it possible that there … Continue reading
Are you fed up with the sickeningly false images of beauty depicted on nearly every advertisement? In every magazine, and on every sales rack, pictures of perfect men and women with the clearest skin, the warmest eyes, and glorious, taut, sun-kissed bodies. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think these models and celebrities never … Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C. – There has been no shortage of mainstream media coverage about today’s Benghazi testimonies by state department officials who gathered before a Congressional committee and gave their accounts of what happened that fateful September 11th day last year, when Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens and three other Americans were killed, but how a young … Continue reading
WATERTOWN, MA – While nobody watching the early morning pursuit of the Boston Marathon bombing suspects could deny the effort of the local police and SWAT teams, most Americans were baffled at the epic battle put up by the two Tsarnaev brothers. How did they manage to hold off police for nearly three hours? How … Continue reading
HOLLYWOOD – After a firestorm of controversy in the summer of 2011 that resulted in a petition at Change.org and a trending Twitter hashtag, the Charles Manson star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is already in need of a replacement. A sizeable crack was reported to the Walk of Fame committee, and within hours … Continue reading
As news of rapid shooting and explosions were reported very early Friday night, the Boston Marathon Bombing story turned crazier and more surreal every minute. With Boston on lockdown, 19-year old Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and his 26-year old brother, Tamerlan, managed to tie up the police force of an entire city and cause multiple injuries to … Continue reading
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